Ep 35 | 3-Steps to Let Go of All-or-Nothing Thinking

You know that moment where you crave alone time and then immediately feel guilty because you love your kids so much? Or you’re proud of your career growth but can’t shake the fear that you’re missing something at home? That push-pull isn’t a character flaw, it’s a mindset trap, and it often shows up as all-or-nothing thinking: if you can’t do it perfectly, you skip it, quit it, or beat yourself up for it.  If you consider yourself a recovering perfectionist, this episode is for you! 

In this week's episode of The ROCKSTAR Mom podcast Megan dig into a life-changing concept called duality: two things can be true at once. Duality is how you build emotional flexibility instead of rigid perfectionism. 

We talk about why high-achieving women and ambitious moms chase control and certainty, how that strategy can lead to burnout, and why “perfect balance” is a tempting goal that usually makes you feel worse.

You’ll leave with three practical steps you can use today! 

Listen in & be sure to share this episode with a friend. 

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Transcript

Welcome And The Core Tension

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So you've got more time and energy to do the things you love without the mum yellow energy. It's time to get out of your head and into action. Now is the time to live your most broad star life. Let's go. Hey friends, have you ever felt guilty for wanting alone time while also then desperately just loving your kids so much? Or maybe you feel so proud of your career and are moving the dial forward and love your work while simultaneously wondering if you're missing moments at home? Or have you ever told yourself, if I can't get the full 60-minute workout in, I'm just gonna stick skip it? That, my friend, is all or nothing thinking, black or white thinking. And today I want to introduce you to a concept that has genuinely changed my life. And with the higher achievers that I work with, the recovering perfectionists, the type A's, maybe you can relate to this, has changed their lives as well. It is this whole concept that two things can be true at once. This is what I call duality. It is possible to love your kids and feel overwhelmed, to be grateful and want more for yourself, to be successful and be exhausted, to crave growth and also appreciate your current life. It is possible to want structure and flexibility. We'll definitely get into that. And it's also possible, my friend, to feel confident and uncertain. This concept of duality helps you create emotional flexibility. Whereas old ways of perfectionism, perfectionism often create rigidity. It's hard to just go with the flow. So let's just kind of dive into this. Why is this so hard? Well, know that you're not alone. If you are a high achiever, we oftentimes tend to seek control and certainty. And we've been able to do

Duality And Emotional Flexibility

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this for our entire lives, right? We've been able to just work hard to get the job done. If I just put in a little bit more time, I'm gonna get that A. And that then helps us achieve the quote results that we wanted. And for so many women I work with like you, we do this for so long and it serves us for so long until we get to a point in our life where one of two things happen. Either you burn yourself to the ground because you completely overworked and you just cannot sustain it anymore. Or you get to a point, maybe there's a major life event, or maybe you just have some time to just kind of discover and an aha comes where it's like, I don't want to live in that pressure cooker any longer. Perfectionism really leans itself towards wanting really clean categories. Again, this is the all or the nothing. It's harder to find the gray area in things. So I gave that example kind of of getting your workout in. And I hear this time and again where it's like, well, if I can't do the full thing, or if I can't do it to A plus, then I'm just not gonna do it at all. One of the first business coaches I hired really helped me, really invited me a new perspective. And she's like, Megan, what would it be like to just do B plus work or even B minus work? And like the thought of it at first just cringes. Like, what would it look like? And again, this was a business coach if I were to put out a website where there's maybe an error or two on it. Ah, it like make it it made me like itch under my skin, right? Because I was so used to perfectionism and to control and to making it quote perfect. But real life, my friend, if you haven't noticed, is nuanced, it's messy. We are humans. And that is oftentimes where we get stuck, is when we try to control so many things that are outside of our control, we feel stuck. It creates overwhelm. I'm sure that you can relate to what I'm saying here. So as we start to step away from these constructs of perfectionism and either having it be perfect or not doing it at all or going all out, we actually have an opportunity to become more emotionally mature. And the more resilient that we become, the more that we learn to be adaptful and build in flexibility, the more capacity that we actually have to hold this concept of duality. And again, duality is this whole concept that two things can be true at once. So, three steps I'm going to share with you here in terms of how to help move away from this all or nothing, move away

Why Perfectionism Feels So Safe

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from the rigidity and step into a space where you have more flexibility and capacity. Step one is notice when you are thinking in extremes. I think most people don't realize how often we use the terms always, never, should. It's a failure or success, or even labeling yourself as like a good mom or a bad mom. And again, this is at no fault of your own because we have been taught and conditioned to really measure our success by achievement. The more we do, the clier, the higher we climb, the more that we achieve is quote good versus taking the approach of what does progress look like? What does movement forward look like? What does imperfection look like? And how do we sell celebrate that? Again, when we think in these extremes, it really is this concept of binary thinking. It's like either or all nothing, black, white. And again, I already shared one example with you. If I miss one workout, then I'm gonna just completely be off track. A couple other examples I want to share with you that maybe you can relate is if I can't give 100%, it doesn't count. Why, why should I even do it at all? And you could take this this whole concept of 100% from volunteering in your kids' classroom to how you're showing up at work, right? Is this whole concept of if I can't do it my best, why would I even do it? Another extreme that I hear all the time is like, if my kids are struggling, that it's a reflection of me. I must be failing. That's such an extreme. We must like take that bird's eye view back and remind ourselves our kids are actually their own unique human beings. And they ultimately have control over their own thoughts, their own actions, their own words. Do we have some influence over them? Absolutely. And we're not failing, we're not a bad mom when our kids make mistakes. Rather, it can be an opportunity for us to help teach them and help them build resiliency. Another one that comes up so often with the population I worked with, which again are high achievers, our ambitious women, is if I need rest, then I must be weak. Because again, for so many of us, we have just been operating at the space of just constant go and hustle for so long that rest actually feels uncomfortable. Again, we have this negative connotation with it that is like rest is only for the weary, right? Where it's like, if I have to take breaks, if I need to pause, if I need to step back from an obligation, it feels uncomfortable. And again, our bodies don't want to go into discomfort. Again, that's our reptilian brain wanting to keep us safe, is say, keep doing the thing that you're be that you're doing, even if you know it's not serving you, because doing anything differently is unsafe. It's hard to say no to things that maybe you've already obligated to. It's hard to shift patterns if you have been known as the one who, quote, will just step up for the role and do it at whatever cost, to be the classroom mom or to be the leader, or to be the volunteer coordinator or whatever it might be. It's okay to start to want to step away from those. So instead of some of these extremes, again, of like, if I miss one, then I'm off track, and then we keep ourselves in this pattern, is really starting to reframe and ask yourself, how can I make room for middle ground here? Because again, this whole concept of perfectionism, which you hear me talk about a lot, it's it's just like this whole concept of balance, which both are kind of BS, is like there is no such thing. But we have taught to really, we've been taught to really like strive for these extremes, but that's not excellence. That's not success. That's not where most women I work with are wanting to go to. You can go back and listen to episode three if you want to talk about this whole concept of really redefining success. It's it's a really powerful one because, again, I think for for so many of us, success has been perfection, has been doing the best all the time. That's really just rigidity. It's not necessarily what maybe you want in this season to define success. After you've identified when you're when you're thinking in these extremes, step two is to really replace either or with both and. Both and and are two of my favorite words. So again, just start to become aware of when you're using either or this all or nothing, and what would it look like to shift that and actually change the language we're using to include both and. So instead of like, I should be grateful, I am grateful and I still desire more. The example I gave you at the beginning is I love my children, and motherhood can feel exhausting. Two things can be true at once. Oh, here's one that I think will relate to so many: is I can be an incredible mom or an incredible boss or an incredible colleague, put whatever in there, and I still need support. This human experience was not meant to be done alone. That's one thing that I think so many of us are striving for in the now is like this community is we don't have to figure it

Step One Spot Extreme Thinking

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out on our own and be lone wolfing it because that's really lonely. And then it feels like we're in our silo. But I know the more that we have conversations about this, the more that we know we're not alone and that we can lean into support, whether it be a coach or whether it be a community or whether it be a therapist or whether it be a good friend. Here's another one that I know I have really had to work to learn myself as somebody who always, always, always was keeping busy. Sometimes just keeping busy for the sake of keeping busy is I can rest and still be productive. Let me repeat that one. I can rest and still be productive. In fact, a lot of the research shows that the most productive people in the world are the ones who actually take the time to pause, actually take the time to rest. Because when our brain and body have that time to rest and recover, it allows us to be more focused. It allows us to be more intentional, it allows us to actually get more done in less time. And here's one that I know, especially for the women that choose to lean in and say yes and join programs such as our YRL community, is I can feel fear and still move forward. I think oftentimes we freeze because there's fear or there's unknown, is that again, those two things can coexist. There can still be fear, and I can still choose to make that next step. And I would also argue that making those next steps, getting into action, are actually what help you move through and overcome fear. And often in the world of personal development and growth and healing, once we move through one thing, sorry to break it, too, my friends, other fears, other challenges, other limiting beliefs are going to come up. But again, together we can move forward. When we're able to insert some of these words, such as both and and or recognize truly that two things can be true at once, it really, again, this is duality. And this also helps create more self-compassion. Right? It makes it so we don't need to beat ourselves up. I can love my children so, so deeply. And it's okay to admit that motherhood is not always fun, that it is exhausting, that sometimes it's lonely. Again, even just saying those aloud allows yourself to recognize I'm actually human and I am okay and I can be kind to myself. This third step is really about building emotional capacity instead of chasing perfection. Again, if we can again take that bird's eye view back from our life and just recognize all the ways that we have fed into perfectionism, which again, at no fault of your own, it's a coping design mechanism that has helped keep us safe for years. Then we can start to shift our trajectory and build this capacity for the life that we actually want. The goal is not, again, perfect balance. You all know that I think and believe and know balance is bullshit. It's not about having the perfect emotions or only feeling good things. Again, the whole range of emotions is part of the emotion, the emotional human experience. It's the goal is not always having certainty. Again, certainty is a form of perfectionism. Rather, it's how can I move through the uncertainty of life and have the capacity and resiliency to take on whatever life throws our way. I talk about this a lot because life is going to continue to life you. But if we're operating at such a state of high stress that we don't have the capacity to roll with some of those punches, it can be really, really challenging, really exhausting. And again, the goal is not to have it all figured out. My clients hear me say, like a broken record, all the time. This is a journey, this is a practice,

Step Two Use Both And Language

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this is a process. Again, I've been in this space for over a decade now, and I'm still learning and I'm still growing. And that's the beauty of it. Really, our goal, again, comes back to building emotional capacity and emotional flexibility so we can feel those emotions, allow for them to move through. And it's the goal is building resilience and stress, self-trust. And again, this concept of capacity. And when we start to shift our thinking away from duality, or I'm sorry, towards duality and away from all or nothing, we are healing ourselves. We are building that capacity. Emotionally healthy people can hold these competing truths. Again, two things can be true at once. I had just recorded an episode on just kind of the challenges and the complexities that the holiday Mother's Day brings up for so many. And it can be a time, here's a beautiful example of duality in in real life is Mother's Day can be a time of joy and celebration of motherhood and all that you have, but it can also be a time of grief. Joy and grief can coexist. I think it's Brene Brown, maybe that talks about, you know, in order to feel the deepest joy and the deepest love, we actually have to allow ourselves to feel the hard, to feel the grief, to feel some of those not so good feelings. It allows us again that full range of experience in terms of feeling human emotions. You can have confidence in one area of your life, but complete insecurity in another. It is possible to feel that sense of internal peace without sacrificing your ambition. And again, I primarily work with high-achieving women who are go-getters. They're wanting to be changemakers, they're wanting to give back and be of service to the world. But we don't have to do so from a state of just constant go and hustle and that exhaustion and overwhelm. You can have inner peace and lead with ambition. There can be both excitement and fear, or excitement and kind of the nervousness. I was actually just talking with my 12-year-old son about this yesterday as he had qualified with his four by four team to run in the district track middle school championship meet or whatever it was called. And he was like, Mom, I'm just so nervous. And it led to a beautiful conversation just about how you can be nervous and excited all in one. There might be a little bit of fear of the unknown. He'd never been at a meet with 12 different teams and they're going to be seated and all these things. And you can still be excited that you get to be running with your buddies. Two things can be true at once. As we kind of wrap up this episode, I just want to share a couple other kind of personal examples that I think I've experienced some and I just see time and again in our community. And these are things that we are working together in the community, in our YRL, your Rockstar Life group coaching community, as for those that are in the thick of motherhood, often it is really getting curious about how we're showing up in motherhood and actually enjoying and loving motherhood and also maybe mourning some of that freedom sometimes where we can't just pick up and go or do the things or be as adventurous or spontaneous as maybe we once were. Another one that often surfaces too is just this desire for being really fulfilled in your career, whether you have your own business, whether you work in corporate America. I also work with a lot of service professionals, such as nurses and doctors and teachers, people that are giving back, is you can find fulfillment in that. And you can also crave more rest. Two things can be true. And as I shared from my own story, you can feel deeply successful externally and look that way and be internally overwhelmed. And again, it's not about finding complete balance between these things, it's just accepting this concept of duality, working to identify and move away from the extremes. Again, it starts with that. Again, step one is notice when you're thinking in these extremes. So then you can start to again reframe the stories, use those words both and, knowing two things can be true. And again, as if we look at this about really what does it take to build emotional capacity and build nervous system resiliency. It starts with again that awareness and even just really understanding this concept of duality. Two things can't be true at once, my friends. So no, you are doing a freaking

Step Three Build Real Capacity

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awesome job in your career, in motherhood, and it may feel hard on the day-to-day. You could really love spending time with whether it be your kids or your husband or close girlfriends. And you might also have a deep need for alone time and internal reflection. Both can be true. You don't have to be all in or all out. You don't have to earn your rest. So much healing begins when we stop trying to force ourselves into these extremes. So that is my invitation for you, my friends, is to start to become observant of where in your life is this a challenge? Where do you want to start to make these tiny shifts? Where can you give yourself some self-compassion and some self-acceptance to recognize that two things can be true? All right, my friends, that's it for today. Thanks for joining in to the Rockstar Mom. I can't wait to see you here again next episode. If you've got questions about this, if you've had any big revelations, feel free to ping me a message on Instagram, Megan Caldwell PDX. You can always shoot me an email. I'd love to hear from you. In the meantime, keep taking care of yourself. Know you are doing a great job. I am cheering you on always. Thank you so much for tuning into the Rockstar Mom podcast. If today's episode resonated with you, here's how we can keep this momentum going. First, be sure to subscribe to the show and episode the moment.